you know …

by chaotarroo

i am quite the genius and i can’t stop thinking,
i can’t stop considering prospects and rewinding possibilities.
i can’t force serotonin out of my body,
i can’t stop flipping in bed and getting myself to sleep at all.
most importantly, i can’t keep myself from feeling like a complete idiot.

henry miller once said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.
from experience, i concur dearly. so please, allow me to be self serving.

it all came crashing like an swift invisible punch,
unpredicted yet powerful as heck.
i don’t know what to do, except to salute as a fool and feel delayed impact.
and all the things i thought i knew about you? all the synergy i thought we had between us?
thinking back, apparently, i hardly do, we hardly do.

everything happened within two weeks? incredible.
to a man still called stranger one month ago. wicked.

i hate this and believe that everything attraction has it’s reason,
instinct and gut feeling are merely conventional terms to coin feelings that we can’t explain.
it all started from almost 14months back, the first word i lipped and first action i took before you,
everything meant something. every action connected dots in the air: maybe i connected the wrong ones.
took a giant detour and acted like a douche.
it’s not karma, but the air that i am unable to dominate.

i am sick. not of you, but myself.
for being unable or willing to let go. for being forced to do so.
for having my final route to be dirty conversations and resistant coaxing with myself.

there’s a pompous phrase i advocated myself with whenever things go bad.
i followed it for years, for different scenarios and during bleak circumstances.
but now, it’s nothing more than a message that conveys silliness.

it will all end well. if it’s not well, then it’s not the end.”

to speak like a man desperate with a shred of dignity,
everything is far from well now, but it is the end. the end.

on all levels, i still love you.
and genuinely, i wishing you all the best.

to have sadness be overwhelming to my anger and ego,
at least i understand, you are the first and hopefully, not the last.

i have loads more to imagine about my life.